(EC)⁵: College Essay Consulting

Calling all high school juniors! We’re proud to announce a new educational service to accompany last year’s ⛵IS: Evan’s Chen’s Elite Cutting-Edge College Essay Consulting & Editing Center! Abbreviated (EC)⁵.

Why trust Evan?

Evan Chen is one of the leading names in admissions to elite American colleges. Students that Evan has mentored have gone on to prestigious institutions such as Harvard, Princeton, Stanford — and of course, MIT, the home of the illuMInaTi. Evan is so successful at securing spots at selective universities that nearly 1 in e^π incoming MIT first-years are alums of Evan’s programs^{[citation needed][original research?]}. This is a figure unrivaled in the college prep industry.

Now, for the first time, you can join the ranks of Evan’s superstar students: (EC)⁵ is the first endeavor led by Evan that doesn’t require any sort of application or past achievements. In line with our vision to topple meritocracy, (EC)⁵ is open to anyone with a few thousand dollars of disposable income.

How it works

Evan will gratuitously feed your college essays through a host of tried-and-true, cutting-edge technology, using tools such as languagetool, proselint, redpen, vale, and writegood.

This saves you the effort of having to figure out how to install publicly and freely available open-source software yourself. So, instead of learning useful skills like how to edit plain text files in Vim, you can pay money to have Evan perform this easily automated task on your behalf! You can then spend your time instead on what you do best, like watching clickbait on TikTok and spamming the phrase xooks on Discord.

In order to ensure the highest quality of feedback on your essays, there will be no human-written comments. (EC)⁵ edits are entirely produced by industry-grade programs. Our experience is that human feedback on college essays consists almost universally of arbitrary rules and blind speculation, and in fact can often be actively harmful. (EC)⁵’s novel and innovative approach ensures that you can trust our output to be totally objective and free of inevitable human bias.

Unlike your clueless tiger parents, (EC)⁵ prides itself on not randomly trying to guess what admissions officer want to hear: instead, we guarantee 100% objectivity with our machine-generated advice. Here’s an example of a before-and-after:

Pricing

If you use the coupon code 20240401ececececec900001, we charge a flat fee of $9000.01 per applicant, regardless of how many schools you apply to. That’s it! No hidden fees.

Don’t let your college dreams be memes. Apply today!